On Bottomlines...

The Lecture Theatres of JIPMER, the behemoth edifice painted in red on the sides, with the JIPMER Logo (Veritas Curat ~ Truth Cures) in front, cast a very good impression on anyone new around here. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t impressed with the building when I saw it for the first time (in later years I would go on to christen it “The Sleeping Tower of JIPMER” for that’s what I did in there 90% of the time).

We all remember the times spent in the Lecture Theatres – the darkness, the whirring of the air conditioners, the cool air, the projectors, the wooden desks carved with ‘words of wisdom’, the long wait before the hour ended, the lectures themselves, the dozing off in between, and of course our Professors who took so much trouble to prepare them.

There are many differences between a good lecture and a great one – one of the most important ones being a fantastic ‘one-liner’ which sums up the topic at hand. It is an added bonus that these one-line quips turn out to be invariably hilarious, much to the audience’s delight.

Here are a few which I was fortunate enough to hear in the lectures that I did attend (and in whom I managed to stay awake).  No points for guessing from whom these gems came from.

The Lecture Theatres, JIPMER

1. On why cryptorchidism leads to infertility, “The Scrotum is the Ooty of the body.”
2. On young and enthusiastic doctors, “A young man knows all the rules; an old man knows all the exceptions.”
3. When a student gave an answer totally out of context to the question, “You don’t know the answer to my question and the question to your answer.”
4. On students entering the lecture theatres fifteen minutes after the lecture had began, “Late-comers are like undescended testes; they don’t come on time, and even if they do come they bring so many problems along with them.”
5. On the blatant disregard shown by students to their studies, “What I’m concerned about is your unconcern.”
6. On a student’s habitual absenteeism from lectures, “You should be regularly regular to class, not regularly irregular or irregularly regular.”
7. On the importance of first-aid vis-à-vis the importance in reaching a diagnosis, “A living problem is better than a dead certainty.”
8. The rule of trauma care from an Orthopedician’s perspective, “First life, then limb.”
9. On obesity and diabetes mellitus, “The life span of a person is inversely proportional to the length of their belt.”
10. When a student took his own sweet time to answer in Viva Voce, “On Given time everybody will answer, some in 6 seconds, some in 6 minutes, some in 6 hours and some in 6 months.”
11. On bleeders, “A good surgeon is not one who doesn’t cut a vessel, it is one who knows he has cut a vessel.”
12. On post-operative care after Gastrointestinal surgery, in particular to enquire whether the patient has passed flatus, “Sounds that may shock the common man are music to the ears of the surgeon.”
13. On complications of hydrocele, “A hydrocele will not rupture even if you jump on it; and it is not a cosmetic problem unless the man is a male stripper.”
14. On the nuances of history-taking, “The patient will not read your books and come to you with the symptoms you know; you have to listen to him/her and derive the symptoms you’re looking for.”
15. On the practice of Obstetrics, “Obstetrics was there before Obstetricians came along.”

To my Professors, this shows I have been paying attention to your Lectures (in between my naps).